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Spring 2010: The rough side of things

     I've had so many realizations about life in the recent past, which has been nice, as I love learning why things are the way they are, or having some thought that will put my mind at ease. I've also been frusterated about some things, like choosing from it seems like many directions to go with school, my family (parents) and how abandoned(?) I have felt. 

     As for school at the moment- I have been dropped for a semester, and I might not be able to return to chemical engineering. If i really want to, I believe I can, BUT I really want some time to think. Here's the thing, I really need and have needed to take a break from school- and it's not because I hate school, in fact, I love school. This semester I simply was not ready to commit the way I needed to and the way I should have been committing to my academics and those long nights of studying. So what was the problem? I'm still figuring out the answer to that question, but to the best of my knowledge, I was just not ready and I should have just accepted that and taken the semester off to get some perspective, take care of myself, and just give myself some time. Of course, those who know me well enough, know that I am stubborn, and like to challenge myself- but this time that worked against me.

     Did I completely blow off the semester? No, I didn't, but it was like maybe 10 percent of what I am capable of accomplishing. I learned some new things, especially with programming. Do I hate ChE like I thought? No, I don't. In fact, I kept thinking "this is kindof interesting" when I was studying for my final. 

     I'll say this, having ADHD and not managing it can sabotage almost anything in life. It takes so much energy to get up, go somewhere, or even walk 5 feet to throw something away. I know people can get lazy, but it's like, trying to run a 5k after stuffing yourself at a buffet. I mean, it's possible to do, but it's not exactly easy. It wasn't just neglecting taking medication, that was actually a side effect of not having a set schedule, in part by not having a set schedule I could control. 

     Sleep seemed to be an endless problem for me. There were so many bad dreams. There was once a time when I fell asleep talking on skype, and woke up apparently 15 seconds later, screaming. I don't remember all of them, but some really haunted me. These started last semester and continued into this one. I was told that I would be shaking, or restless if anyone saw me sleep. Some of my dreams had to do with me drowning, and I would wake up gasping for air. This issue is also adding to the suspicion that I may have some sleep apnea... Of course the others had mostly to do with being stabbed, cornered, held down, or raped... so yeah, sleeping was fun times. I didn't like going to sleep, and sometimes I just didn't. There were a few weeks where I would go for days without sleep. My body for awhile didnt even connect the "Im tired" thought with the "sleep" thought. Of course, once I did pass out, sometimes nothing could wake me up. I missed a couple labs, a bunch of classes, etc. Typical morning, exhausted from either not sleeping, or a little, hungry but with not sure how much or what to eat, and stressed about school, all this and class through adhd glasses seemed like a marathon after the buffet of a night I was having.

     I kept getting sick. Seriously, I was always sick, which would make sense because of the messed up eating/sleeping stuff. However, found out I had cryptic tonsils, that needed to come out. The sick part was mostly just annoying, or seemed more trivial than other things at the time. I ended up getting surgery after finals.

     I also had an IUD insertion this semester. First of all, getting an iud involves shoving something up a hole that is only maybe a few millimeters wide if open at all, without anything more than acetametaphin. Now let me tell you, I did not have a typical painful insertion. The doctor said he has only seen one other girl react like that. My body was going into shock. I mean, the actual insertion was painful, no doubt about it, I bet it was at least twice as bad as being kicked in the crotch for guys. After the doctor inserted it, I shook his hand, said "thank you doctor" and sat there to recooperate a bit. YEAH, RECOOPERATE MY ASS. It was pain that would not let up, would not even throb as to give me a breather in between stabs. It was one continual hurt that consumed my body and would not break. They put the table in a fully lie back position, and I just laid there. I couldn't tell if I would throw up or poop or anything, and neither did I care. I was drenched. The table was wet because I was sweating so profusely. They kept trying to get me to drink some fluids, taking my vitals, and i must have had three ice packs on me that they kept moving around. I don't think I had ever felt that helpless. One of the only things that helped me just feel like I was on earth was the nurse's touch. I know there must be someone if they read this that would think I was being "a girl about it" but I don't care. It was torture. when they finally got me well enough to get into a wheelchair they brought me out to this place to recover, and i had a blanket over me instead of just a sheet of paper, I told them they could bring in steve, and gave me some soda and animal crackers after they checked my vitals again. Steve said I looked like hell, but I was already starting to feel better at that point. Everyone kept exclaiming that they were so glad I didn't come alone. So was I, because I almost did. That night I of course had a lab exam... fun times. The next couple weeks were tough.... had I known it would be rough I would have waited till break. I would take a 100 tonsillectomies before going through that again, or gallbladder removals, or the surgeries I had for my broken femur....

     Other things that happened over the semester that I had issues with: tim's comment about betting I would fail a retake on cs180, a little drama with certain friends, friend's dad's death and rapes (just big things to talk about), and i guess the breakup on my birthday after the gaga concert (stupid birthdays... but concert was awesome... and ended up dancing on the bar with tim, lol). Now after all I've written about trouble and such I've been dealing with, I will say that it was the combination of everything that was difficult, and the events that have happened preceding this semester in the past 4 years or so, not any one thing.
On the opposite side of things, I did have some amazing memories from the semester... to be written in The positive side of things... stay tuned.


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