Men are VISUAL
I think it's unfortunate that most women refuse to acknowledge that they are responsible for taking care of themselves. It does matter to a significant other if you gain a ton of weight or make no effort to take care of yourself. As I have researched this topic AND asked many men about this topic, I realized some things that were even hard for me to understand.

"If a woman is expecting that her man look at her as the most beautiful woman in the world, it's a much fairer expectation if she puts a reasonable effort into her appearance."

Expectations and Relationships
Throughout the years I have witnessed some truly amazing relationships. Christmas 2009 I was invited to my grandparent’s apartment in Montreal, Canada. There I think I learned something priceless that I probably could not have picked up on or understood had I not been in a place where I could notice and appreciate the sanctity of such a relationship.

My grandparents on my mother’s side have been married over 50 years, and I wasn’t sure at the time why, but the one thing I really enjoyed were the “fights” they had around the house. They were almost playful, such as who misplaced the envelopes. One particular merriment culminated in my grandmother whispering in my ear to, “Ask your grandfather if he found them,” as she smiled, almost giggling. I think I only now realized why I loved being around them. Maybe to them, this was their way of not only keeping their life interesting and their happiness plenty, but keeping each other connected to everyday things and kept them working at their relationship, loving, and respecting each other.

They got married in a different time, sure. The fifties are well thought of as a time when men and women got married, had children, and raised them well and worked hard especially in the middle or lower classes. My grandpa from what I’ve known pretty much thought, “I want to date her,” when he was ready and ended up marrying her. My grandmother was more interested in the social aspect of dating, but nevertheless they both came from Slovak families and were very connected to their backgrounds.

Their marriage endured what I’m sure were years of challenges, not only with outside factors that came with the changing world, but three children, and most definitely some challenging years. I wondered sometimes if it was just easier then because it was a different time, but I think it’s more relevant to think about the kind of commitments people made. It was not acceptable to divorce, so people made decisions to marry for better or for worse, and it included a close connection to family, so that all were accountable and kept honorable. It may have not been the best situation for all, some stuck in abusive or substance-abuse ridden relationships, but it did have positive outcomes for many.

While I know many people either emphasize independence or coexistence with someone they love, can one relationship contain both types of people? My grandmother seems to always have been more ridden with some anxieties and dealing with social settings in more formal context. My grandfather makes her laugh, and as a salesman all his adult life, he makes friends anywhere and everywhere. My grandmother could go and leave him almost anywhere for hours and within minutes he’s got a new friend. In some ways they are both very connected- he still dropped her off in front of the store while he parked. He always made sure she was comfortable and that she had everything she ever needed, and many things she wanted. I know that he may be considered more independent, and generally less in need of persistent companies of people. I wonder if, in their earlier years, he was even more independent. However, when I found out my grandmother was in the hospital over new years, he was a very distraught man.

I believe that so many young and older individuals now have a misconception or skewed view of what marriage can or should be. So many are drawn to a fantasy that one day you may find a spouse that makes you always want to be around them and that they will or should always accept you for exactly you. Perhaps people getting or that have gotten married should accept each other, but to expect to remain static (the same) and not be challenged or challenge a partner is a great casualty. Yes, one may be drawn to the ease of other friendships, whether it is because they face difficult hurdles and many “friends” don’t expect anything of another. However, while I would want to be loved always, to understand or gain perspective from another person could potentially be a window for something you never even imagined you could have.

My father told me, many times, that the reason he married or chose my mother was because she didn’t look, like so many women he had met, for him to tell her what to do. If my mother needed to go back to school cause she couldn’t attend the university nearby, she went back to Montreal for 6 months. They would write, but nevertheless they did what they needed to do, at least as far as I would know.

I feel like when I left for college, my mother and father, while we did have some seemingly deeply seated issues or differences of opinion, there was some consistent factor. No matter how or who may have struggled with the course of action they agreed on, they stuck together on their decisions. I know those must have been some of the harder years of their marriage, coming together on decisions on how to figure out what they wanted to do with me. Perhaps that means that if I ever get married, and I do say if, that it is more important to stick together with your partner and be a consistent and loving coherent force than to openly argue, fight or keep any secret from a partner, no matter the “noble” cause.

If I’m ever lucky enough to share one lifetime with one person, I don’t even think I need a conventional stereotype. I want a true friend, one that sticks by me and tries to honor me as I try hopefully even harder. I want to witness someone’s life and die with love deeply saturated in every particle of my last breath.

Recent Thoughts
I really don't know what I should share at the moment. There is a lot on my mind but I noticed it's been awhile since I've posted. Things are a lot different than they were last year even. Some people have left, some people are leaving. The group dynamics have changed drastically. However, I've been pretty much shoulder deep in work so it hasn't bothered me too much. I'm having some thoughts that I should have confronted and dealt with quite a while back but better late than never (?). Anyways, I've had trouble concentrating today so I'm off to attempt more homework.

Spring 2010: The rough side of things

     I've had so many realizations about life in the recent past, which has been nice, as I love learning why things are the way they are, or having some thought that will put my mind at ease. I've also been frusterated about some things, like choosing from it seems like many directions to go with school, my family (parents) and how abandoned(?) I have felt. 

     As for school at the moment- I have been dropped for a semester, and I might not be able to return to chemical engineering. If i really want to, I believe I can, BUT I really want some time to think. Here's the thing, I really need and have needed to take a break from school- and it's not because I hate school, in fact, I love school. This semester I simply was not ready to commit the way I needed to and the way I should have been committing to my academics and those long nights of studying. So what was the problem? I'm still figuring out the answer to that question, but to the best of my knowledge, I was just not ready and I should have just accepted that and taken the semester off to get some perspective, take care of myself, and just give myself some time. Of course, those who know me well enough, know that I am stubborn, and like to challenge myself- but this time that worked against me.

     Did I completely blow off the semester? No, I didn't, but it was like maybe 10 percent of what I am capable of accomplishing. I learned some new things, especially with programming. Do I hate ChE like I thought? No, I don't. In fact, I kept thinking "this is kindof interesting" when I was studying for my final. 

     I'll say this, having ADHD and not managing it can sabotage almost anything in life. It takes so much energy to get up, go somewhere, or even walk 5 feet to throw something away. I know people can get lazy, but it's like, trying to run a 5k after stuffing yourself at a buffet. I mean, it's possible to do, but it's not exactly easy. It wasn't just neglecting taking medication, that was actually a side effect of not having a set schedule, in part by not having a set schedule I could control. 

     Sleep seemed to be an endless problem for me. There were so many bad dreams. There was once a time when I fell asleep talking on skype, and woke up apparently 15 seconds later, screaming. I don't remember all of them, but some really haunted me. These started last semester and continued into this one. I was told that I would be shaking, or restless if anyone saw me sleep. Some of my dreams had to do with me drowning, and I would wake up gasping for air. This issue is also adding to the suspicion that I may have some sleep apnea... Of course the others had mostly to do with being stabbed, cornered, held down, or raped... so yeah, sleeping was fun times. I didn't like going to sleep, and sometimes I just didn't. There were a few weeks where I would go for days without sleep. My body for awhile didnt even connect the "Im tired" thought with the "sleep" thought. Of course, once I did pass out, sometimes nothing could wake me up. I missed a couple labs, a bunch of classes, etc. Typical morning, exhausted from either not sleeping, or a little, hungry but with not sure how much or what to eat, and stressed about school, all this and class through adhd glasses seemed like a marathon after the buffet of a night I was having.

     I kept getting sick. Seriously, I was always sick, which would make sense because of the messed up eating/sleeping stuff. However, found out I had cryptic tonsils, that needed to come out. The sick part was mostly just annoying, or seemed more trivial than other things at the time. I ended up getting surgery after finals.

     I also had an IUD insertion this semester. First of all, getting an iud involves shoving something up a hole that is only maybe a few millimeters wide if open at all, without anything more than acetametaphin. Now let me tell you, I did not have a typical painful insertion. The doctor said he has only seen one other girl react like that. My body was going into shock. I mean, the actual insertion was painful, no doubt about it, I bet it was at least twice as bad as being kicked in the crotch for guys. After the doctor inserted it, I shook his hand, said "thank you doctor" and sat there to recooperate a bit. YEAH, RECOOPERATE MY ASS. It was pain that would not let up, would not even throb as to give me a breather in between stabs. It was one continual hurt that consumed my body and would not break. They put the table in a fully lie back position, and I just laid there. I couldn't tell if I would throw up or poop or anything, and neither did I care. I was drenched. The table was wet because I was sweating so profusely. They kept trying to get me to drink some fluids, taking my vitals, and i must have had three ice packs on me that they kept moving around. I don't think I had ever felt that helpless. One of the only things that helped me just feel like I was on earth was the nurse's touch. I know there must be someone if they read this that would think I was being "a girl about it" but I don't care. It was torture. when they finally got me well enough to get into a wheelchair they brought me out to this place to recover, and i had a blanket over me instead of just a sheet of paper, I told them they could bring in steve, and gave me some soda and animal crackers after they checked my vitals again. Steve said I looked like hell, but I was already starting to feel better at that point. Everyone kept exclaiming that they were so glad I didn't come alone. So was I, because I almost did. That night I of course had a lab exam... fun times. The next couple weeks were tough.... had I known it would be rough I would have waited till break. I would take a 100 tonsillectomies before going through that again, or gallbladder removals, or the surgeries I had for my broken femur....

     Other things that happened over the semester that I had issues with: tim's comment about betting I would fail a retake on cs180, a little drama with certain friends, friend's dad's death and rapes (just big things to talk about), and i guess the breakup on my birthday after the gaga concert (stupid birthdays... but concert was awesome... and ended up dancing on the bar with tim, lol). Now after all I've written about trouble and such I've been dealing with, I will say that it was the combination of everything that was difficult, and the events that have happened preceding this semester in the past 4 years or so, not any one thing.
On the opposite side of things, I did have some amazing memories from the semester... to be written in The positive side of things... stay tuned.

Something I carry around
A long time ago i read these and I printed them and put them in this scrapbook. Now I've long ago taken them out of that scrapbook and kept them because I like to be reminded of them and try to live by them for the most part. I kinda want to share, maybe edit them at points in my life. I have already edited/added a few of my own.

Give  people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
When you say, "I love you," mean it.
When you say, "I'm sorry," look that person in the eye.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams; people who don't have dreams don't have much.
Love deeply and passionately.
Fight fairly.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson, just make sure you are learning the right one.
Respect yourself, respect others, and be responsible for your actions.
Don't let a little dispute hurt a great friendship.
When you make a mistake, correct it.
Smiling really is contagious, people can even hear a smile in your voice.
Spend some time alone.
Most people don't realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


     Those who know me know I tend to question almost everything and everything. I am a very conceptual person, and can pull ideas from any area and apply them to my life.  If only I could maintain the discipline to focus and concentrate on one main area of academia, perhaps my life would be somewhat simpler.
     I like science in general. I like discovering new things and I like understanding things around me. I like piecing together different areas too and seeing how they all fit together. Sometimes it's frustrating learning something for the first time, but when you look back on old textbooks or you have to explain something to another student, you feel such a sense of accomplishment.
     I used to tutor in high school, and I would explain things in such different ways, but I always got through to whoever I was teaching fairly easily, and they seemed to hold onto concepts I taught them well. I got this girl from an F to a C in a week once, and I felt great about it. Another I tutored once or twice a week long term, and I liked it. It reinforced what I knew, and I made some extra money. Hopefully when I finally go back and visit my old high school I can see my old chemistry teacher as well and thank her... she was the most dedicated and kind teacher I've had. She always seemed to support me and actually seemed to want me to succeed.
     One area I've indeed spent a great deal more energy on in the recent past is technology. I keep on learning new things about new technologies coming out, how things work, and other such things. As challenging as CS180 has been, I still find it interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about programming in java just yet, but I'm fascinated to some extent still.... sad or not. I like math, I just find it hard to sit down and do homework still. Programming is kinda like problem solving, and I like that. Bonus: it feeds into my weird perfectionism niche that I have when I take notes and such. When I finished my cs projects, the sense of accomplishment I felt was just awesome. I just hope I finish this one... concurrent programming.
     One of my friends had me help him install a cooling system for his CPU (computer processing unit), so that was really neat. He seemed impressed that I knew what RAM stood for (Random Access Memory). He spent like an hour or two explaining the drawbacks to RAM, but how we still need it. He explained some of the hardware aspects of the motherboard and though I was losing a bit of focus towards the end, I found it fascinating. It just made so much sense. It also helped that I was able to use what my friend Tim taught me about bits and bytes for data storage.
      I still like the whole area of medicine and psychology as well. I think if I can't figure out what I want to do I should find something to do where I help people as a job. The human body is definitely a fascinating topic, as is the way the brain works. I've also known a lot of doctors throughout my life, and most of them are happy and usually very interesting people. They seem to love what they do, and I could see myself doing something like that one day. Whatever I end up doing I want to really love it.
     On another note, I still love to dance more than anyone I know personally. It has always been a source of happiness and an outlet for any emotion that I can't seem to get out. I love singing and dancing. When I do either, it's like I don't have to think too much, that I can just let the music flow through me. I've been dancing my whole life, my first lesson was when I was two I believe, and I can't imagine being able to live without it. Lately it's been even better because I have friends that love to go dancing with me. Devin always seems to like dancing with me :)
     I better get back to studying for my exam tomorrow night. I feel much better about school right now, I just hope this attitude stays and I don't get too overwhelmed this week. At least I have spring break coming up, it'll be nice to go see my brothers, and just take a short visit to the life I haven't really seen in years.

Greatest Strength = Greatest Weakness

There are some who say that someone's greatest strength is their greatest weakness, or at least I do. My persistence and stubborn nature is the reason I am at Purdue now, doing as well as I have, but it is also the reason I feel in over my head with cs180. I just had my first exam, and although I have learnt more than I thought I would thus far, It didnt par well on my exam (which was not like the practice exam). The odd thing is that I like programming, it's just tough to come in so far down. I have to say though, I am so proud of what I have learned though. My first project I turned in...I was so proud. :)
I don't exactly know what to do about the exam, but nothing tonight. Time to focus on math and maybe get my mind off of this exam a little first. Big Bang Theory perhaps?

Valentine's Day
      Big Bang Theory is one of the best shows out there. Just thought I would start writing with that statement. I can't believe I only started watching this show in the past month. In the last month I moved into the dorms once again and it's like my life has been so much richer, though it's been harder to be as dedicated to classes. I'm still doing my work, but it's been harder to manage. 
     My friends are awesome. Seriously, they are the most unique, funnest people I have ever met, and I love being around them. We do all sorts of stuff together, talk, dance, eat, hang out, watch movies, make cotton candy, listen to music, etc. They are so much fun and as odd as I am (which is pretty odd). Most of them are guys, but I've made some female friends too.
     So today was valentine's day. I am not ever quite sure how to celebrate these kinds of holidays because although they are somewhat "hallmark" holidays they are especially nice to celebrate at times. This year was a good one. My parents sent me a rhinestone encrusted hat that I really like, my dad sent me a card (a very sparkly little mermaid disney card), and a giant box of chocolate... and I mean, giant... along with another card. I spent quite some time trying to give out chocolate to friends and my RA before I brought the box over to Devin's place, and then alex, devin, and I had some more chocolate. I really notice that the boys I know now actually cook (nelson, dave, devin), which is really nice. Devin cooked dinner for me (orange chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn) while I spent some time studying for exams and watching alex's cats trying to eat the flowers Devin got for me, which are beautiful :) 
     We then spent some time watching the O.C., which is Devin's favorite show. I like it because it reminds me of home a lot, not the drama part, but the scenery and such. I mean, I grew up in palm springs, so I know that lifestyle I suppose, I just hate drama. Nonetheless, it reminds me of home. Altogether it was a really nice night, and a great break from programming, which although I am somewhat fascinated by it, is rather challenging because of the advanced nature of the class. 
     Spring break is coming up, and I am thinking about going to california. I've only been back twice since I left in 2006, and both times were about a week long. I miss my brothers so much, they are seriously some of the most amazing people I know. Hopefully I will see some old friends as well. 
     This summer could go a variety of ways. I think it might be the best idea to take classes over the summer here. I mean, I've never gone anywhere else the whole of college. I have a place to stay, in hawkins, and it would be a hassle to try and find somewhere to store my belongings even though I don't own more than what fits in half a dorm room.
     One more thing... Since november, I've been so much happier. Ever since then I've been making friends, listening to music, dancing, and generally being extremely happy. The difference between last october and now is extreme. I love being around people, and music, and most of all, the dancing. I can't believe I stopped dancing for so long. It makes me feel so alive. I want to write in more detail about the last few months, but for now, I must get back to cs180. 
     These flowers smell so good... :)

If there is nothing else I have learned in the past few years, it's that friends are truly necessary to living a full and happy life. As fun as it may be to try and figure out the best way to make friends with people (such as sheldon's friendship algorithm on "The Big Bang Theory"), appreciating what you have and taking an interest in other people is the simplest way to get to know other people. By inviting someone into your life or social circle, you have the opportunity to really see into theirs...


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